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Archive for the ‘Whining’ Category

Complications

Gyung Hab, an instrumental from the OST of Gourmet (on my list of favorites for 2008 )

I’ve been trying my best to sort out through some unpleasant stuff the last few weeks (actually, since the start of the new year), and its not my prowess. I truly hate trying to work through situations that are tense and unpleasant. While I’m not averse to confrontations, and I actually believe you need them to truly work through issues, its not the happiest/healthiest place to be. More importantly, I wanted to be free of them this year, my year away! The biggest problem is that I must work through these with a balance of politeness and firmness, I can’t give way like I have been doing but I also can’t be too direct/rough. Its difficult to strike the right balance. On top of that I recently went through a problematic set of events in a personal relationship I value, and I’m completely baffled and confused on how to handle it.

Aptly, then, my horoscopes (both for my zodiac sign and my chinese year) predict that I will be in the midst of conflict on a personal and professional level this week (atleast I hope its just the week. I won’t be ‘looking for a fight’ but in my zeal to ‘stand up for yourself’ I will be probably involved in conflicts in my professional and personal relationships.

Pity it doesn’t tell me what to do next. Could really use that. Darn.

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Its been a rough couple days (weeks? months?) and I know they’re not going to get any easier ūüė¶ . Time has literally flown, and I’m not the only person who’s said that. This year has passed like a couple weeks…I’m seriously beginning to wonder if there isn’t a strange phenomenon….global speeding up or something? I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to pull everything together in a couple weeks, amongst interviews and travelling, but clearly I have no choice. So I can just work at it.

Couple things to cheer me up/bring me up some:

1. Ingrid Michaelson (I discovered she’s the one behind that really neat Old Navy commercial tune, apparently i’m way behind thousands of others who found her the same way…”if you are chilly…here take my sweater…cause I love the way you call me baby” ūüôā …and discovering a new artist is like opening a Christmas present)

2. Regina Spektor ( on the same note, though she’s not really new, just new to me, again thanks to a JC Penney commercial which plays Music Box…and her music is now coming up everywhere…eccentric and strange in a good way. I recommend watching her very neat videos on youtube. Fidelity is a great song to start off with, listen to it 1-2 times and you’ll be hooked. Also, side note, very intriguing accent)

3. The rain today which does wonders to calm me after a rough time.

4. Also Javabeans post on Tablo/Epik High, a subject that is always great to read/talk about:¬† freakin’ amazing intelligent rappers with great music, whats not to love?¬†(check out www.dramabeans.com)

5. Ben Stiller’s new comedy The Heartbreak Kid, which is some crude, silly, stupid and often vulgar humor (kind of like the humor¬†of Knocked Up), but a darn funny movie with no thinking or sense¬†involved and without any connection to reality¬†(as was Knocked Up, watch it if you haven’t). A good pick-me-up for dire times, when you just need to laugh it up.¬†But then I’m a Ben Stiller fan so I’m pretty biased (Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? PUAHAHHAHA…GOLD!) Interestingly, the blond actress (Malin Akerman) is very, very much¬†like Cameron Diaz acting/behavior wise. Or was it just me? I kept thinking it was her.

If you’re going through the blues like me or super duper stressed out like me or just overwhelmed with life right now, like me again, then I recommend some lavender or similarly calm smelling lotion, a cool pleasant drink you love, and some speakers to tune into¬†Ingrid Michaelson’s The Way I Am. I promise her voice and music does wonders. Or you could feed into the melancholiness (sometimes thats the way that helps) with Keep Breathing (available on ITunes, on the OST of Grey’s Anatomy). Check out her MySpace page:

http://www.myspace.com/ingridmichaelson (check out an interesting discussion on her blog about her ‘selling-out.’ I really don’t believe artists ever sell out unless they start changing up their music and style for business, but I know many people hate when indie artists start getting famous…fans of DMB, for example…its very cool of her to ask her fans, and there is some neat dialogue there about the subject)

And if you like what you hear: buy her music by picking¬†up her CD Girls and Boys or purchasing through ITunes. I’ve purchased several, and no regrets. Each song is amazing in melody, arrangement, lyrics and her soothing unique voice.¬†

The Way I Am (Ingrid Michaelson. Girls and Boys)

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You’re working hard on the treadmill. You’re beginning to sweat and pant because its been a while, since you’ve been working/studying so damn hard, and your hair starts coming out of that messy bun you made and its all over your face. You’re reminded you need a hair¬†cut and¬†some¬†new kind of miracle shampoo.¬†You’re thinking of that cake you shouldn’t have had, that BLT you should have left alone, and feeling guilty.¬† You’re cursing at evolution and your background and genes for making you work this much for your body. And then you tell yourself that its okay because¬†you’ve been working out for months, and atleast you’re healthy, and you’re just curvy, and you need to be fine with it.

And then.

A tall blonde walks across, and you note the following points in this order: a flat stomach, perfect waistline, normal sized chest, long and lean legs, flawless complexion, and her hair is short, smooth and in a perfect bob. It almost gives out a shine, like those models on tv. A pair of expensive sunglasses rest on her head. She walks confidently across your panting, frustrated and miserable self.

And then, to top it all off, you realize she’s probably in med school here. ALREADY in med school here, and not struggling with applications or waiting to hear or cursing the mailbox.

Conclusions: 1. This would be one really, really, bad workout. Anyone disagrees?

2. I’m glad she didn’t see me because she’d have been frightened by the absolutely evil look I was giving her. I didn’t even realize I was giving it until she was out of view. Or maybe she’s made of plastic and it would have just bounced off her ceramic/plastic/fake skin. Wait, I’m¬†being a bitch again, aren’t I?¬†

Ah to have the ability to look over the petty, silly things and have just a little bit more Zen-attitude, stop judging myself or giving innocent people the evil eye. Just not in me. *Sighs* Its just too bad.

I miss my girlfriends to bitch with me and agree with me and support me!! I need you girls!! I guess I also need a showah to wash it all off.   

ūüė¶

 Completely RANDOM Song of the Day:


Sing Along.” Blue Man Group ft Dave Matthews.

{I really want to see the Blue Man Group concert. Hey, there’s one of those things I wanted to do before I turned 20 and didn’t. I also want to see the Dave Matthews Band, which is comin’ here. Maybe I should go? Or do I even care much about anything at this point? Ah,¬†the joys of ennui and bitterness mixed together}

“If¬†I tell you I’m strong,
will you play along,
Or would you see I’m as insecure as everybody else

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Sometimes life just doesn’t go your way. Or it feels that way…all the time. Sometimes its more blows that you can take, or more blows that you’re anticipating.¬†You’re scared of whats around the corner. What’ll it be next. What’ll bring you down for another long stretch. What’ll finally be the last straw.

I’m negative, miserable, frightened,¬†bitter, angry¬†and overwhelmed. And very, very, tired. I wish Sunday hadn’t gone the way it had. I wish this week wasn’t so long. I wish there were more answers and fewer questions.

I wish trouble would just leave me–and those around me–alone.


Trouble, Kristin Hersh
Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it’s too much too much for me
Trouble
Oh trouble can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away
And there’s nothing much left of me
I’ve drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won’t you be fair
So won’t you be fair
I don’t want no more of you
So won’t you be kind to me
Just let me go there
I’ll have to go where
Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it’s too much for me today
Trouble
Oh trouble can’t you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won’t you leave me in my misery
I’ve seen your eyes
And I can see death’s disguise
Hangin’ on me
Hangin’ on me
I’m beat, I’m torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see
Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won’t you leave me in my misery
Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don’t want no fight
And I haven’t got a lot of time

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Finally, after two years of studying and constantly worrying about it (except for that brief reprieve when I hoped I wouldn’t have to retake it), and constantly wearing my self esteem down and having great doubts about if I could do this and if it was right for me, its finally done with. Regardless of how¬†I felt sitting through the five hours as they ticked by too fast, I can only just wait and see what happens. I can hope I did well, but I won’t know until July. This period of waiting will suck, but right now¬†atleast I¬†couldn’t care less,¬†except that¬†I am¬†done with it. Just so, so¬†grateful its over.

I’m really not sure whats in store in the coming months. Probably a lot more grating¬†and sand-papering of my self-esteem and self-confidence as I go through this process.¬†I¬†probably sound negative, but I’m not. I’m just ready to know where I’m going¬†and move on with my life. I’m ready for¬†the next step, to be in medicine then¬†just continue to wait and wait for so many¬†years and work on it.¬†I know I’ll be happy once I’m¬†there. If¬†I could just fast¬†forward to it……I’m ready¬†for that¬†just not for this.

Thanks to everyone who called/emailed and wished me good luck and checked up on me afterwards. It was really sweet, and I appreciated everyone’s good wishes a lot ūüôā Danke schoen!

Now its back to that excruciating personal statement, and the rest of these looong applications, and then secondaries and on and on and on….

Here’s another of my favorite Yoon Mi Rae songs, “Good Bye Sadness, Hello Happiness” with the hope that soon the tides will change, and everything will be, well, happier, and the world won’t move so fast and crazily and cruelly. The song is about moving on, past old love and old relationships, about finding happiness in your world and life again.

Goodbye Sadness, be on your way….

Hello My Happiness, you’re here to stay….

Yoon Mi Rae, Vol 3.

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After tossing and turning for hours and hours, I finally gave up the fight to get any sleep (even though I was exhausted) and got up at 4am and have just been sitting around. I usually can’t sleep for a month after coming home (settling in to a new environment is apparently not enjoyed by my body) but this time its about a 100 times worse because of unbelievably painful cramps. I basically writhed in pain all night. I thought about working on my personal statement but then the only motivation I have is…”I want to be a doctor so I can find a therapy for the women of the world against menstrual cramps!” and I’m thinking thats not deep enough.

I’m supposed to go down with my parents today and sit in the library and work but things ain’t looking so bright right now. Maybe i’ll stick around another day at home.

Stress doesn’t help. Not only family stuff, but the ridiculous MCAT crap. Forget studying, now i have to stress about all the money I had to pay to get to a different date. I mean May 16 was not going to happen, but switching to May 31 cost me hundreds of dollars because the only spot was a city 13 hrs away by car. And Lord knows I’m not sitting in a car for 13 hours before the most important exam of my life. One of the reasons it was computerized was to make it more accessible…but if you’re only going to have a few spots in each location, and it fills up before you can say ‘miserable’ then how does that¬†make any freakin sense?? how does the help the poor overworked premed? *mutters*

Anyway, I am slowly entering severe rant mode so before I do that i will slowly walk away from the keyboard.

Oooh except the one bright entertainment spot in my life is Que Sera Sera, which I can follow thanks to Javabeans (see blogroll) and which has reached the extremely interesting “who the baby daddy” point, not very common in k-drama. Aah…only two more episodes left….one more weekend…..damn, time flies ūüė¶ . k-drama addicts often feel a sense of loss and emptiness at the end of a series, and I have fully come to terms with my addiction and accept its repurcussions. This time, however, it is accompanied by the deep terror of the running out of time before May ends. Can’t someone, please, please, please, just pause it all, just until I get some sleep?

Even just a nap??

   Too tired to select music to go with my tired and angry mood.

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The last final….hopefully the last time i will have to read the words “PCR” in atleast the next few months (forlorn hope)…and yet i am not free. one questions, why is it that I do not deserve the luxuries of freedom and “being done” and one hears no answer except the echoes of one’s own voice.

A nice dinner with a friend, a nice gathering with some friends and now a load (LOAD) of packing in front of me, and I’m sleepy, tired, and half-unconscious……”Lord, can you hear me now”?

{Cold Water by Damien Rice happened to be playing in ITunes} 

Lets not exaggerate. Lets just say…..”it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” (as ripped off from the incredible Charles Dickens)

And lets end with¬† some of my favorite lines from the “Ode To A Nightingale” by John Keats, possibly my favorite poet.

“Away! away! for I will fly to thee,

Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,

But on the viewless wings of Poesy,

Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:

Already with thee! tender is the night,

And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,

Clusterer’d around by all her starry Fays;

But here there is no light,

Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown

Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.”

And so it ends…here it ends….and where does one go from here?

Random Song of the Day:

Bhai Re, by Shubha Mudgal, from her first amazing album, “Ab Ke Sawan.” An amazing story about love and maintaining a relationship, about the realistic side of how love unfolds and what it should healthily consist of (in an ideal world). I have loved this song for years, and I feel it is one of the most meaningful songs in the world that I have experienced so far. I hope to translate this one day in English as beautifully as it is written (possibly an impossible task?), because I think it says all their needs to be said.

PS: To a certain friend (or his significant other) who might/might not be reading this (whose email I recieved a little while ago)..I’m very happy for you and for what you’ve found, i.e., T and M, good luck with everything as this journey¬†unfolds.¬†This song is dedicated to you ūüôā

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